That Blue House - (Part Four) From the Outside looking In.

Even though that friend moved away shortly after that. Even though that house doesn't belong to him anymore, and I know it was not the house nor the people that are now in it that harmed me. I can not look at that house. I can't even pass it with out having a panic attack.

One day I felt brave, or maybe childish. I honestly felt foolish that this house, this two story blue house could haunt me so bad. I felt ashamed when walking by this house with some friends I cover my eyes. Or when marching by it in band I had to look down or straight ahead. I felt stupid and foolish.

"It's just a house Halee, Look at it." That inner voice screamed at me. "Oh such a big scary house, it's gonna attack you, just look at it. You'll never get over it if you don't face it. Look at it."

And one day, I did.

I did look at it. The strangest thing happened... I saw everything from the outside in. It was like x-ray vision into the past. My eyes went straight to the door, and as if to follow my "ghost" if you will through the door and up to each window until...until I came to...that window...That was when I looked away. There was no letting go. Not around that house...

That Blue House (Part Three) - The Room, The Curtains, The Secret

I began to worry about J… I wanted to know what he was doing, did he leave? So I went to my friend's window and peaked out the curtain at him, he was still there then I heard my friend’s voice in that same low, scary voice… telling me there was a reason for curtains… now as stupid as that line sounds to be afraid of… well… he kept saying that and we fought over whether the curtains should be open or not. He said “so no one can see what happens inside.” I told him “everyone can see because there’s nothing happening”… Now why I left that window and went back to the pallet he had in front of his tv I don’t really know but I did, however I went back a few times… how many times I did…how many times we fought over the curtains before it happened…I’m not sure….

Now I must warn you, there maybe details following this line that you might not feel comfortable reading. If you feel you can not read farther than feel free to go to another post, blog, or so forth....

Back to the story... 

The last time I went to the window to open the curtain…….He came up behind me, grabbed me by my crotch, picked me up from behind and slammed me on the bed… it happened so fast… yet so slow at the same time… he was on top of me before I knew it… I kept screaming for him to get off over and over again… and hitting him and he fought back… I was crying … this little kid came in and was hitting him too telling him to stop… he knocked the little kid down, and the kid got back up after that the kid left…I'm not sure how long it lasted or what really made him stop... but shortly after the kid left he got off... but did I run… no… I jumped off the bed, fell to the floor in front of the t.v and was just staring… I grabbed a pillow and held it in my arms… he came behind me and asked me if I wanted him to stop… 

"no you idiot, i only screamed at you to get off of me a million times. Oh but that totally means to continue." I thought to myself. But my actually body just glared at him for a second and then continued to stare at the T.v. Rather he turned it on or not i do not remember, but I couldn’t say anything… he laid down with his head near my butt… he kept making sexual jokes at me… a few times I pulled another pillow to hide my butt but after he pushed it away a few times… I stopped I just sat there…I felt hopeless and under a spell. I couldn't leave, couldn't move, couldn't say anything, just could sit there hugging that pillow tightly. 

I’m not sure how long it was but I heard his mom (who was under neath us the whole time…) call up to me saying someone was here for me… it was like a bell for me..and him too… he sat up and my eyes opened wide he raced me to his bedroom door (he won..) as I ran out the door he made sure to touch my chest and butt on the way out and then chased me down… I was then in a haze I remember my sister running past me and intercepted us on the stairs and I ran out the open front door and straight to the van… I left my shoes behind… when everyone asked me if I was okay I said I was, my sister looked at me in disbelief and I later told her to tell no one that anything went wrong in that house. Did she know what happened? No but I didn’t want anyone to know…

That Blue House (Part Two) - The "True" Best Friend?

In the previous post I went into detail about the house and now I must tell you who lived in the house. That Big Blue house once belonged to one of my best friends. Best friends since Fourth grade, we were. Okay, that's kind of over exaggerated. You see, we were best friends all through fourth grade, while he "dated" one of my best friends. Then he moved away at the end of the year and came back, I want to say ummm sixth grade? However, when you are a kid it seems a lot longer than that. A year can seem like five years. A friendship that lasted a year literally feels like a century, and you really think you know that person.

Well when he came back, we all expected him to get back with the best friend that he was with. Just as any group of girlfriends would, we gossiped about how he came back just for her. You can imagine my surprise when he hit on the wrong best friend and then, turned down by her, hit on me. With my snobby mouth I told him that he was G's boy friend he could not be hitting on me. As if to think I'd ever be with him any way... Sad to say later that year (remember it felt like years had passed) that childhood romance on the scooter boards when he was swinging me around in circles, and then asked me to be his girlfriend and sadly I said... Yes.

Do I remember if my friend was mad? No. Do I remember anything much in between then and the break up? As seeing how we lasted A DAY there really wasn't much to remember. All I remember is we were on recess or at P.E, or something like that. I know we were playing outside and on the swing set he started singing "I'm in Love with a Stripper" to me... for a LOVE SONG... I had enough self respect (probably pride actually) but I quickly broke up with him no hesitation. Little did I know that crush would lead...somewhere else.

Come eighth grade we barely talked. Why I still called him my best friend I don't know? I was now in a relationship with a Guy i'll call J. J and I were waiting after school for my step dad to arrive to take us to church. Sadly, we got into an argument. So my stubborn self walked across the street to my "best friends" house. Half of me wanted to get away from the fight, or at least that’s what I say… I really just wanted to upset him especially since it was a guy friend I was going to. My intentions when I went in that house was to talk to my friend about what was wrong….Honestly, my true intentions were just to make J mad, I honestly believed my "best friend" and I would just sit around doing nothing while J sat down wondering what he did wrong and what I was saying about him, etc.

When I knocked on that door, Something…something told me "no don’t go in" and honestly the entire time I was waiting to get to a place we could talk the whole thing is a phase, all I can remember is with every knock on the door, each step I took, each step up the stairs, each step closer to his room there was something telling me I shouldn’t be there… but I ignored it. 

When we got upstairs he acted like he was showing me around the house. I remember this attic looking place.. I remember the bathroom, and I remember his room.. I also remember every dirty joke he made that gave me that same feeling of needing to leave. If you asked me why I stayed I have no idea… well when he came in to the room I pretended with my giddy self that nothing was wrong that I had no feeling, each time he said something that sounded seductive or a little bit scary I ignored and changed the subject, I laughed it off… I remember playing with his ipod, I remember reminiscing about a few memories we had but I wasn’t the only one who kept changing the subject… every time I wanted to talk about something normal or friendly he’d say something perverted… Now I was used to this my friends always did this… that’s what I told myself…he’s just being his self…

That Blue House

Have you ever had a place that just haunted you? Did you witness something bad there? Death of a family? A tragedy happen to you or someone you loved in that place? Well I have... I have several actually.

A few places I don't like to  go are the funeral homes where my family members' funerals have been held in. I honestly don't like passing by them either. I don't like being underneath overpasses (a place I once loved to hang out) for reasons that may come up later.. Well there are just lots of places that bring back memories I don't like to face, but nothing compares to That Blue House.

I call it this because well it's a blue house, but if I were to go into more description it's a two story blue house in my old town across the street from my old high school. Maybe a little too much information, but who cares. After reading this, if any of you, which I strongly believe none of you will, but IF any of you get the strong urge to do anything to this house let me just say that the people who once lived there do not any more so there is no need in harming innocent people. Whatever, I'm going on a rant so let's just move on shall we?

To you, or anyone else who walks by, it's just a two story blue house. A nice one at that, I might add. I once admired it i did, but now I can't stand to look at it. Jeez I'm beating around the bush aren't I, I guess it's a lot harder to spill the beans of a secret when you don't like talking about it...

Warrior - Demi

I do this thing where I scan through Spotify or Youtube to find new music. I usually go to artists that usually sing how I feel at that point in time, or how i want to feel. However, there are those times that I just scan through artists who I just want to hear. Well on my starred list (songs i wanted to explore later) I decided DEMI LOVATO is who I wanted to listen to. 

I pulled up her song Warrior just curious about it...never did I know what memory it would bring up, or how much I could relate to it.. It literally felt like...like she lived my tragedy... Like maybe she was singing to me. 

Woah, I'm getting way into this. Not that I actually believe Demi knows I exist or that she knows my problems, but jeez it was right on the money.. 

Try it out for yourself, See if you can relate to it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WPoG8-WJTt0